Why Shinigami shouldn't write, even as Vegetto
by ZeroShinigami
Summary: Got some bad words, which is why its like this, but otherwise, starts out as part of the game, then goes insane quickly


Author: DSSJ4 Vegetto  
  
Rating: PG (contains a few curse words and obscene actions)  
  
Genre: Humor/Action  
  
Spoilers: None  
  
Special Appearances: Secret of Mana, Pokémon, the author, Star Wars characters, Sparky the dog  
  
Credit: Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time is from the superb genius of Shigeru Miyamoto, Secret of Mana is from the genius of Squaresoft Inc., Star Wars is the property of George Lucas, Sparky is the property Coan_Teen, and DSSJ4 Vegetto is the property of me, myself, and I along with the voices in my head.  
  
Warning: If you don't like comedic references to any characters mentioned above, do not read this.  
  
  
  
It was a dark and stormy night, and Link, as he rode on his valiant steed, Epona, was getting drenched. But as he rode, a darker cloud than the rest pulled itself down and appeared in front of Link's path. Reaching for his sword instinctively, Link was surprised when it wasn't Ganondorf who appeared, but a little... thing with long red hair and what appeared to be a walking staff.  
  
"Wassup!!" it said to him in a high pitch voice and it pulled out a little walnut and chucked it at Link, conking him in the head.  
  
"Ow, that hurt," Link said as the walnut hit him, but then his attention was taken by another cloud coming to the ground. Again, he faced it expecting Ganondorf to appear, but, instead, it was a strange... hell, he wasn't even sure what it was. It was somewhat tall, with orangish colored skin and walked with a bouncing groove.  
  
"Wassup!" it said, "Meesa called Jar Jar Binks, meesa being chased by terrible meani, meesa be yousa's humble servants ifin yousa helpin me out..." and so on, annoying Link to no end, and eventually, he rode at the... thing and sliced off its head, putting it out of everyone's misery (and there was much rejoicing ).  
  
So far, this had been one of the weirdest days that Link had ever had, next to pulling his sword and waking up seven years later. Of course, he keeps remembering the Hyrule's of Legend of Zelda, Zelda II, and Legend of Zelda: Link to the Past, which he doesn't understand either because this is the first game. Getting off of Epona, he decided to walk the rest of the way, he had a feeling that it was the horse's fault that he was having such a strange day.  
  
"Could be worse, I could have a dog trying to hump my leg..." he never finished the thought as a dog came from nowhere and began humping his leg.  
  
"Note to self," he thought, "never, ever say things could be worse, it'll happen." Suddenly, the clouds cleared up and a ray of light struck the ground, and with holy fanfare, the author of this story appeared in all his glory, his tail wagging behind him, his black hair all in disaray, and his muscular upper body covered in reddish fur. The dog continues humping Link's leg.  
  
"Dammit! Cut the music already!" he shouted and everything went back to normal.  
  
"Who... who are you?" asked Link, knowing that this guy was not one to mess with. The dog was still humping Link's leg.  
  
"Link ... I am your author," he said in a deep voice.  
  
"NNNNNOOO!!!!" Link shouted at the top of his lungs, "Its not true! It can't be true!!!" The dog, oblivious to what is going on, continues to hump Link's leg.  
  
"Oh, but it is," he answers, "and I am here for one reason, and one reason only, to bring Sparky back to the dark side."  
  
The dog, finally realizing what's going on, falls off of Link's leg and wimpers, giving everyone in the audience the sad puppy face :(.  
  
"I'm sorry, Sparky, but it is the only way, Trunks is worried sick about you, and Bulma is going to kill you when she finds out you've been humping innocent Hylians like this one," he gestured toward Link."  
  
"GRRR..." is all Sparky can offer as a defense.  
  
"That's not going to work," the author answered, "we're off to see the wizard, the wonderful wizard of OZ, and you're coming with me. Start the music!" The author of this story grabs Sparky, and, to the musical fanfare that he had earlier, disappeared into a mystical light and was never seen again for the rest of the fan fiction. (Note: This had absolutely nothing to do with the story, the author was bored and decided to make an appearance, there is no rhyme or reason to his thinking, he just does it.)  
  
Anywho, back to the story, Link, stunned at being... approached... by the author, walked towards what had once been the beautiful sanctuary of his childhood, Hyrule Castle. Now it is a decaying place of death and misery, ruled by the Redeads and Ganondorf.  
  
"Okay, this is all a nightmare, and when I go in here, I will realize that I'm still in the Temple of Time and will finally get my ass on the way to my adventure." Walking into the city, he saw a small green man with a walking stick in hand.  
  
"Ah, much fear I sense in you," it said to Link, "Away put your weapon, I mean you no harm." Link, in a stupor from his earlier experiences, drops a bomb on the man and ignites the fuse.  
  
"A castoff muppet am I," it said as the bomb began to glow red, "Puppet I am, hand shoved up my ass makes me talk it does..." the bomb exploded, taking the green man and half of the Hylian castle's habitable areas with it.  
  
"Hopefully, this'll be the last thing to annoy me today," Link thought as he walked towards the Redead area. In a foul mood, he chops all the Redeads into tiny little pieces before they can even move.  
  
~At this point in the story, a little midget makes his way towards Link. This midget has no real identity, but we like to call him Bob, and besides, the author's girlfriend created him and he wants to put Bob into as many stories as possible, not that it really matters, but the author has no real stability left in his mind. Thanks ;)~  
  
Making his way towards the Temple of Time, Link suddenly felt that something strange was behind him, but when he looked, there was nothing behind him. Not bothering to look down, he returns on his way, all while the midget follows him. Suddenly, the midget strikes and gives Link a low blow to the crotch.  
  
"Oh my..." he shouted, but never finished as he fell to the ground in pain. The midget stood over him and spat in his face, then turned on his heel and left the story. Several hours later, Link was finally able to get back to his feet and made his way to the temple without incident.  
  
Walking through the temple, Link noticed that something was strange in here, that something was seriously wrong. That something purely evil was here in the temple, awaiting his arrival. Pulling out his sword and shield, Link made his way through the shadows, and was surprised to see a kid, not much older than he was when he started his adventure, standing in the sword room with a little yellow rat standing behind him.  
  
"Who the hell do you think you are, coming into this holy place with something so evil?!" Link screamed at the boy when he saw the rat.  
  
"I'm Ash Ketchum and I'm going to be a Pokémon master, and Pikachu's not evil, he's my friend," the boy answered. Suddenly, the author couldn't take it any longer and reappeared in the story to his fanfare.  
  
"I am the author, and I say that you go back to hell where you belong, foul beings!" he shouted at Ash and Pikachu.  
  
"Pikachu, Thunderbolt, now!" the boy called to the rat, and it produced a huge lightning blast that electrocuted Link and the author.  
  
"Link, we cannot do this alone," the author said as the attack wore off, "I do not wish to fight in this holy place, but if we must, we will."  
  
"What do you mean 'alone'?" Link asked.  
  
"I hate to do it, but I'm gonna call in a favor from my friends outside of this story," the author answered and pulled out a cell phone from his pants. Dialing some numbers, he called up Darth Maul, Obi-Wan Kenobi, Randi, Poipoi, Purin, Qui-Gon Jinn, Anakin Skywalker, Hawk, and Angela. Within seconds of the call, they appeared, weapons at the ready and waiting for orders.  
  
"Pikachu..."  
  
"Get ready..."  
  
"Thunder..."  
  
"NOW!!!"  
  
"Attack!!!"  
  
Suddenly, a dog rabidly starts humping Pikachu and we have to go to a commercial break.  
  
~Having problems with that hard to reach spot on your back that always seems to be the spot that itches? Have pets that always disobey orders? Have children that are always out of line? Worry no more with SimMilitary School! In exchange for taking your children and pets, they will give you a back scratcher. You will never have to see your children or pets again, and you will finally be able to get that hard to reach spot on your back. Now back to our regularly scheduled program :)~  
  
The battle had been a hard one, but thanks to Sparky inadvertantly jumping into the story and humping Pikachu to death, Link and the author w/ friends had done it.  
  
"It was great working with you, Link, but its time for you to go back to your world," said the author.  
  
"What do you mean?" Link asked.  
  
"I have been writing a fantasy world for you to have an adventure in, and now that that adventure is over, you will go back to your world, and I will go back to my website."  
  
"Oh, ok," Link said, not quite understanding what was going on.  
  
"Just put on these Ruby Kokiri Boots, and click the heels together three times while saying, 'There's no place like Agent00Zelda's Zelda Page', got it?"  
  
"I guess so," Link answered and he pulled on the boots as the author and his friends left to trumpet fanfare and lightning flashes.  
  
Standing up, Link began what the author had told him to do, and suddenly, he woke up in his own bed, with a cow in his living room.  
  
"It was a dream, it was all just a horrible nightmare," he said as he got up.  
  
"Oh my God, its a rare fairy type of Pokémon, I'm gonna catch it."  
  
"NNNNNOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!"  
  
The End  
  
NOTE: No authors, Jedi, Sith, sprites, chosen heroes, dogs, or midgets were harmed during the making of this fan fiction. The Pokémon and Ash, on the other hand, were scarred for life and are going to rehab as we speak. 


End file.
